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Life is an exploration

Nov. 30th, 2005 08:43 am Future?

Morn and I have been on a movie rampage recently - we watched SuperSize Me, Dances with Wolves, and most recently Final Fantasy (FF)! I want to thank my little bro for asking me to watch FF and my friend, TJ, for having the movie to watch it quite some years ago - I was left quite inspired ever since!

The funny thing last night was I got the "what the hell did I see in this movie?" kinda feeling and dismissed it not even thinking to ask Morn what she thought about the movie. So I woke up this morning grumpy (as I often am these days) sharing along the lines of "missing the train", "it's too late", just not very enthusastic about life and not wanting to get out of bed (I'm sure many of you can relate!)

Well...what transpired next was Morn sharing about "belief" and that's what FF was to her. Watching her face so animated and so incredibly bright and full of life was great! This is all she wants for me in my life right now - to be unstoppable.

Ironically, she's fallen back asleep again :D [maybe it's cuz I decided to share in my blog - hmm.. :-o]

One of the things I do religiously is keep a dream journal (FF makes references to technology that is able to record dreams - imagine that!) so I want to share a tidbit I found insightful.

Many of you know I haven't driven a car for years - once I finally made it to downtown San Francisco, I used my car on weekends only and once I made it to Los Angeles (LA), I took on being in LA without a car as an experiment which has now led to me being without a car in Bangkok - in fact, in suburbia depending on public transit - it ain't always easy so thanks for your patience if you're local!

So in my dream, I'm driving down a road in what looks like New York City. However, it's more congested and you can't really see what's ahead of you that's it was scary to drive - always in fear that you'll crash into something or be suprised - I just didn't like it. All I was thinking about was being back on huge highways where you get to see the road ahead of you - a huge panoramic vision, easy to plan your next step(s) before you exit off the freeway!

So what I see in this is it's kinda where I am right now - I chose a path in my life of the unexpected, one on the edge (thanks rich for helping me see this yesterday!) and well, I've hit a wall - I'm having a hard time accepting I can't see what's ahead of me anymore! So it's easy for me to have these thoughts of pulling back, going back to my comfort zone and just living life as I did 4 years ago.

This is the fork of the road I'm on - a time where all of you mean a lot to me (being selfless) and in a strange way feeling selfish in many ways and wanting to find [or more accurately, redeclare] myself.

You've all sent kind notes, calls, and blessings to us and we're very thanksful - to those of you who we haven't talked to yet, thanks for accepting that we've choosen to get the word out [of our son passing away prior to birth] in an organic manner and not just blast it out there as a mass email or some big huge announcement. We kind of see it as being with everyone one step at a time having this dance we call "space" - giving and receiving (hi Naomi! ;). If we trip and fall in the process - please let us know!

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